400 North Capitol Street, NW
Washington, DC 20001
- Toll Free 1.888.564.6273
- Local 202.783.3870
HELP WANTED! (The following is a work of satire.)
Senate Majority Leader looking for RINO’s to help fill leadership roles.
Do you consider yourself a staunch conservative dedicated to defending the principles of freedom as laid out by the United States Constitution? Then the Mitch McConnell Leadership Team has NO place for you! Do you fancy yourself a team player, who can put aside personal grievances to work towards a common goal? Then the Mitch McConnell Leadership Team has NO place for you! Are you a trustworthy individual, who is dependable and honest in your daily interactions and work product? Then the Mitch McConnell Leadership Team has NO place for you! Do you desire real reform for the American People, including the repeal of ObamaCare, and Fundamental Tax Reform? Then the Mitch McConnell Leadership Team has NO place for you! Are you hardworking and motivated, demanding a high standard of performance from yourself and your fellow employees? Then the Mitch McConnell Leadership Team has NO place for you!
However, apply if
You are looking for a career path in which you receive over 200 days of paid vacation, footed by hard working American taxpayers,
You consider yourself unprincipled and open to betraying the people who trust you
You are unconcerned with your work ethic and accomplishing goals that have been set.
You value political favoritism and cronyism over principle and action
You have a long standing employment history of failure and incompetence.
You are indifferent to passing reform that Americans care about- Such as Repealing and Replacing ObamaCare, and passing Tax Reform.
You consider yourself a Republican- but in name only.
You could be a perfect candidate to join Mitch McConnell’s Majority Leadership team for the rest of the 2017 legislative session.
To apply, please fill out the application contained below and be sure to list at least one candidate for senate in your state that is more conservative and qualified for office than yourself. We need to be sure we can back you for the position instead, should they apply!
The following is a modified version of an application for an internship with Sen. Mitch McConnell’s DC Office:
OFFICE OF SENATOR MITCH McCONNELL LEADERSHIP TEAM APPLICATION FORM Senator Mitch McConnell ATTN: HR Coordinator 317 Russell Building Washington, D.C 20510 (202) 224-2541 (Please Print or Type) NAME:
PARENTS NAME: (We can’t practice Cronyism without knowing who your family donates to)
CELL PHONE: ________________ HOME PHONE: _________________ SOCIAL SECURITY NO: ____________________ AGE: ________ NAME OF SCHOOL: _____________________________ G.P.A: ____________ MAJOR: ____________________ HONORS AND ACTIVITIES: (Please include all activities you signed up for but never followed through on)
PREVIOUS EMPLOYMENT: (This is your best opportunity to demonstrate the failure across your career that we are looking for)
WHAT DATES WOULD YOU BE AVAILABLE? (Don’t worry you don’t actually have to come into work)
INDICATE YOUR INTEREST (Check all that apply) INTERESTED IN ( ) CRONYISM ( ) WALL STREET SPECIAL INTEREST GROUPS ( ) LOSING RED STATES IN CLOSE SENATE ELECTIONS ( ) FILLING “THE SWAMP” WITH LIKE-MINDED POLITICAL PAWNS ALSO REQUIRED: 1. REFERENCES (Only friends of Sen. Mitch McConnell, Sen. John Cornyn, Sen. Roy Blunt, Sen. John Thune, Sen. John Barrasso)